XWF∞

THE #1 XWF QUOTE OF ALL TIME
By Peter Gilmour, as seen in the RP, "The OMEGA.. and the GOD"
"So to all of you great fans out there, please come see the show. Make this show the best show ever in the NEW XWF. We need your support. I need all my great fans support as well. All my Gilmourholics! I need to chant SUCK MY DICK as loud as you can. Show some love to Valerie Sky as well. Just don't touch her or I'll break your arms off. But come out to support the REAL XWF and show the fake ass XWF why the ain't got a chance in hell of beating us."

"Isabella.. Prodigy.. your sorry asses are going to be taken.. TO THE XTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!"

Members Login

Post Info

TOPIC: Mr. Hain's most laughable test to date | Coasting along on easy mode | Your HOGM Of The Table has spoken | RP1

SHain

The Head Of Gilmour's Mother of the Table

Status: Offline

Posts: 8

Date: 09:07 AM Jan 25, 2021

Mr. Hain's most laughable test to date | Coasting along on easy mode | Your HOGM Of The Table has spoken | RP1

Permalink

^first Frenzy champ ever!

*stretch*

*yawn*

And there we had it... the lethargic lead in to my new xwf infinity lifestyle. It felt like I woke up from a dream... no no, more like a nightmare of ghoulishly disproportionate intensities deep within the coveted, loving embrace of my interstitial scatbowel syndromes.

Yeeeeah, that's gonna happen.........
There're gonna be a lot of those times where I'm talking and you're going to be like, "what the fuck's he saying?" - Just go with it; trust me. It's easier that way.

So, let's brush the curtain aside and push the filthy ass window open with glee; for it was on this day that I introduced a whole new world to a brand new mee.

My name is SHain KarvHOGMblo, and this is the message I bring-

…

…

…

"WHERE'S MY BOY PETEY? C'MERE SONNY! MOMMA NEEDS A KISSYPOO!"

[SHain's rotten, worm infested, smelly ass head starts wagging around violently. SHain can't continue his own narrative duties, so I, the narrauto-pilot must step in for the time being.

Now let's examine this situation, shall we? We've got what appears to be a fairly impressive physical specimen donning a head that clearly isn't supposed to be there, but instead is that of a dead old hag.

Now because some of us are new to each other and this is a brand new, cleaner, refreshing incarnation of something shitty; it's time for some background story.]

"OH PETEYYY! MOMMA MISSES YOU HUNNIE!"

[Let's start there → PETEY. The person being referred to in this instance happens to be one Peter Gilmour and he is known across the wrestling industry as being one of the most dedicated and professional gentlemen in the game. The man is a locker room leader wherever he goes and he's a ladies man even in the most San Francisco-y of areas. But don't get me wrong, the dudes like him too... it's just that he'd never go for that because he's also the straightest man alive. Peter F'n Gilmour.]

"Oh Petey! Answer me!!!"

[So why was this man with a dead old hag's head on his body calling for our very own resident legend, Mr. Gilmour? Well for those that don't know, hold on to your hats...

It's his dear ol' mum. Yup! You're looking at a head that has been legendary in the business for almost a decade now, and it's called HOGM – Head Of Gilmour's Mother.

Now alright, alright, I know what you're thinking; especially if you're new to this whole concept. Yeah, it's offensive. Yeah, it's off putting. Yeah, it's downright fucked... but you know what?]

"C'mon Petey, come home and I'll bake you some sweet delicious cookiiiiiieeees. I miss you, son!"

[That right there is an HOGM that loves her baby boy... meaning this is also very wholesome and tender. With that being established, let's talk about the body.

And as if on cue, the miserable old hag head falls off the body. The timing couldn't be better as this headless man starts to feel around carefully, searching for his head.]

"I'm down here, SHain! Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

[The body ends up straying off in another direction and walking into a wall. That body is the body of Shane Hain but some people know him as their daddy. Here in the XWF, he's known as SHain. Some folks will tell you he's got a hell of a sordid past and is one slimy grease ball of a "fed head" which is what some dorks call an owner of a wrestling federation and has nothing to do with the current state of SHain's dome.

SHain has been in the business of running wrestling promotions for over twenty five years, getting his first big break as the commissioner of a small southern territory called the Hot Stuff League in late 1995, before eventually moving on to open his very own company a few year later.

Now comes his greatest test ever, but let's flash forward or back (I don't really know) in time to a point where we get to hear this test described by SHain himse..er.. herself? We'll even go back to letting SHain narrate! Anyway, roll it!]

Liz Weinberg felt at home on my lap, as if she'd been destined for it again. "It's been a while, m'lady..." I say sans erectile dysfunction in my voice, to which she responds with, "Oh how I've pined for you, Shane." as she leans in closer to me. I feel like a passionate flower of milk ready to pop and spread my love across the face of this sexy ass bitch. "Kiss me, Shane," but it was a request I wasn't sure I could grant! You see... I don't really have working lips anymore. I lean back just enough to avoid letting Liz make lip to worm/maggot/bone/shit contact with me as I find the best way to say... "Well here's the thing. I ca-" ugh, oh no. Oh no it's happening... "I can't UGH!"

"Shane? What's wrong baby? Are you ok-AAAHHHHH!!!!"

"BLAAARRRGHH OH PEETEEYYYY! WHERE'S MY PETEY!!!??? Bitch. Did you. Steal my. Son Peter?"

"AAHHHH!!!!!"

"BITCH I ASKEDNWldjhdvwagglabagga..." oh shit, what did I do? What's wrong with me?!?

I help Liz up from the floor. She has a thick layer of slime all over her and it's nasty as fuck. "What happened, Liz? Did I... Did I do something?" and I knew in my heart the answer to that question was yes. I knew I'd lost control to The HOGM Of The Table again.

Eh, dammit, fuck it, I gotta tell her. "Look, Liz." I try to sit her back down on my knee but she's terrified, and covered in slime. "Please Liz, allow me to explain before..." I pause. I get a chill up my dickspine just thinking about her. "Before she takes over again."

"Who??" asks Liz. Ah, I couldn't help but wonder- was she just being sweet? Orrrrrrr....................... was she really that god damn brain damaged that she hasn't noticed my head had been replaced by that of a dead, rotted crackwench?

"ME! HAHAHA! You'll make a nice propawnment for luring Petey back to momma! Come 'ere and give momma Gilmour a big ol' huggywuggywoowoo!"

"Oh my god! What the fuck!"

*SMACK!!!*

HOGM goes flying off of my body. Holy fucking shit, now I'm goddamn headless just feeling around and I accidentally grab Liz's breasts. Oh, mmm, I've missed these. "AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" she whispers, and it sends a tingle down my spine.

Oh wait hold on, it was her screaming. Only sounded like a whisper because my only source of hearing is rolling around way over yonder. My bad, guys.

So back to Liz screaming and swatting my hands away from her breasts with that added reassurance of her foot to my gonads, and I'm down on my knees begging for one last chance to explain. HOGM floats back over and reattaches to my body so I'm back in control for now. This is basically like we're on a seesaw and we take turns, so right now I can see and speak and all that fun shit through her head.

"Ok Liz here's the deal. I'm different now. This isn't my original head..."

…

I wasn't quite sure why she seemed confused as she squinted and leaned in just a bit, still scared as fuck though. "I mean," how do I even ask this? "Y-you do see the difference, right? Did I have the head of a dead old shriveled up hag before???"

"Well I'll be damned," and I'm thinking are you f'n kidding me right now as she looks dumbfounded. "You DO look different! Where's your hair? Ew! You've gone bald! Gross!"

So me being a little light in the hair department is the main issue she sees? I mean... I guess I'll run with it. Fuck it. "Yeah you know what I'm working on that hair restoration plan all the AEW guys are on though, so I'll be back to looking good as new within a month or two!"

"Oh thank god!" and wow, she's actually all smiles again. Ha ha. Alright well I go ahead and I lean in for that big ol' kiss I know I can't even give right since I don't have working lips! Let's see what happens!

We begin to kiss. It's really f'n steamy and hot. For some reason my HOGM tongue is, like, SUPER long so I can already feel it going down her throat. She starts to choke and cough as I draw it back in with a nice loud SLURRRP that allows my tongue to slap me in the HOGM face before it finishes reeling back into my mouth area. "Mmmm, sorry about that. My tongue gets a little out of control someti-"OH PETEY!! WHERE'S MY PETEY!!!" Oh for fuck's sake HOGM...

"AAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

-cut-

[Narrauto-pilot taking over again. Our apologies for that particular footage not exactly meeting anyone's expectations. We promised you a clip of SHain explaining his greatest test to date, and here it is...]

I'm dressed to the 99's looking sharp as fuck, oh wait only retards still think 99 is cool. I'm dressed to the infinities00baby! Yeah!

*honk honk*

Yeah you know the cars are beeping as they drive by on this busy ass street. I'm just walking along looking fly as a kite as I always do, but then some dumb kid runs up and points at my ugly ass decomposing skull and has to be all about the screaming and FREAKING the hell out.

I let him have it... "Listen here, you dumb kid!" Oh, ouch. "You'd have a real reason to scream if you were in a Duke promo! Now go fffffFFFFUCK off!" and you know all the spit goes flying with my F's. Poor kid's drenched.

Moving along, I notice the camera man is holding up a sign but I don't want to read it. He gets frustrated and just blurts out in a totally unprofessional manner, "hey dude we wanna hear about your new biggest challenge to date in fedding."

I cock that head and if I could, I'd raise that eyebrow with a big hearty "Da fuq is fedding?"

"Federation owning. Being in the wrestling business. It's an insider term."

"My asshole is a bigger insider term you clueless mark," and with that, I ball my fist and raise it high in the air. I shake it. I shake it hard at him while I slap on a little extra "now shut the fffuck up and don't interrupt my shit again!"

But he did bring up a good point. Maybe the world DOES need to know about the new goals and aspirations of the GREATEST man to ever run any wrestling company! So I go ahead and I do it... I throw a few pennies on the floor and just see where they land. "Ahhh, look at them. Some of them bounce a bit and some roll around before falling flat. How fascinating........." not really, but it's a good representation of what I've got happening right now in this business.

I'm just tossing a few random chips and seeing where they fall.

I look to the camera and you know I'd be giving a sexy ass grin if I had my handsome million dollar face still, "I just took a big fuckin' dump and instead of flushing it, I let it get a bunch of green glowing mold on it and I'm seeing if it can attract more flies than my last shit hole company can."

"Can this potato get more likes than Justin Bieber? Anyone remember that one?"

"Well now in 2021 we're going to see if some random lump of shit that I don't even advertise can beat the place I gave up on. Let's see just how far this can go, and how threatened they can be as their owner continues to focus on us."

"Can the new XWF beat the old ghost town without even having its own official URL?"

"Can we beat them without even having boards that make sense from a navigational standpoint?"

"Can we beat them without even bothering with any top ten lists?"

"I mean, we haven't even had ONE card yet and they keep tweeting and advertising us for FREE. I feel like I should be sending payments over there! HA!"

"And that's the beauty of this all... I've sat on my ass and done jack shit and I'm still on the minds and on the LIPS of everyone. I guess if I were stuck in a company with a pedophile as its champion, I'd pay more attention to 'the other guys' too, so I can't blame any of them!"

I'm feeling pretty cocky as I say all this. I've got the chest puffed out and the shoulders back, you know the deal. I look around as if asking for somebody to challenge anything I've said but we all know that can't really be done. All that can be done is for this big turd I dropped to continue growing and becoming a fresher, cleaner, more welcoming place than the other options. The other guys are doing most of the work in that regard too. Let's touch on that a bit, with "I could open up a scat shop and I'd still be running a cleaner organization than what the dopes on Loser Ln have going on behind the scenes. I mean I just received 100% confirmation that their 'Snow Job' main event title match is already rigged!"

Remember, everybody... I'm managed by Paul Heyman now. We all know who else Paul has been known to do business with, and we all know Paul himself IS a businessman. He has no problem feeding me information such as, "It turns out Thad Duke conned Chris Page into agreeing to a promo limit so Duke wouldn't be overwhelmed and discouraged by his own inferiority heading into the match. Instead, they've agreed to a promo limit and they plan to each do the exact same amount even though they're competing for a championship that's advertised as UNLIMITED! Rather than compete, they're working together to put on a fake show and let Duke keep the title! HAHAHAHA!!!!! That's their pay per view main event!" I continue to laugh. I mean, how could I not? They're already thrashing on their backs like dying roaches, screaming my name, without so much as a drop of real effort from me. Just wait until I turn on the juice. HA! Thinking about what some people are calling my "competition" is laughable at best.

"Speaking of laughable competition, though..." My eyeholes lock dead on to the camera. "Let's turn our focus to what's happening in the real XWF main event. That's right I've been booked in the main event of Friday Night Frenzy and as it turns out, it's a title match for a belt I've already held here! Hot damn, I'm good!" I mean, let's be honest... I'm really goddamn amazing. "Who else can say they were first to hold their newly refurbished wrestling company's 24/7 title? It's nice to be a first at something that matters!"

I wonder if my opponents in this triple threat match I'm in have any idea what it's like to be first at something that actually matters. Hmmmm, I should ask them!

Oh, wait...

We can't ask them that question. We sure can't ask The Profit how it feels to be first at something that matters... like being first to hold a title. Guys like Profit are too busy scrambling to be first at having MY SLOPPY SECONDS! That title he's carrying into Frenzy has my DNA all over it, and inside of it. Let's talk a little more about that: "Hey, Profit! Mr. Premature Ejaculate! Boy you sure were champing at the bit ready to cum for that 24/7 title after I was the FIRST to put in all the manpower and labor to actually WIN it. What a worthless piece of ssssSSSHIT! Let SHain do all the work and then wait and basically rape him. Well GOOD JOB accomplishing JAG SHIT! It's going to matter just about as much as it mattered when you blew your load all over the newly renovated XWF's promo scene within 3.2 seconds of the airwaves opening up! FUCK! What did you have 9 weeks of material already pre-recorded? Oh wait sorry your name isn't Sarah. HAHA! Ignore that. Inside joke. You don't want to know."

"Aaaaanyway, I don't have much time left to talk here since we're all apparently so vapid and obtuse when it comes to promos that we need a time limit on each individual one."

"Pussies."

"But since that's the case, let me go ahead and wrap up with some useless filler crap."

"Sounds like Reno's cue."

"Hey, Reno!" but I pause. Not many know it, but this Reno cat and I have more in common than meets the eye. That, perhaps, is a story for another time though. For now, let's stay on track with "I had a dream about you, boy. I had a dream that you were a bad, naughty Reno. Some sexy blonde whore in my dream ran up to me and claimed you were trying to have your way with her and I took her word for it! I took that bitch's word that you were the rapist but you know what?"

"I was wrong."

"You'd actually need to have a dick in those pants to be that! HAHAHAHA! But with that cavernous load of pussy ass shit you just called your debut promo in the beautiful new land of x-treme cleanliness, I'm hard pressed to even imagine where that dick would be hanging! Hell, that black hole between those legs of yours is even tugging at MY balls right now! Cover that shit up, bitch!"

CUT!

__________________

Page 1 of 1 sorted by

Quick Reply
Please log in to post quick replies.

Chatbox
Please log in to join the chat!