XWF∞

Mariachi music at 2 AM.

That's just the perfect thing to piss me off right now.

I've had to put up with Duke blowing up my phone all day as if he didn't do enough damage to it already with his sick feminine gay dude porn which I still haven't managed to clean up completely. This dumb fuck must be running some computer nerd bullshit where it gets re-sent to me every day at a certain hour. I'm just going to have to abandon the fucking mailbox at this point because I'm losing hope, and I'm not about to walk into Best Buy again after what one of those little pricks said to me when I had him sanitize my Toshiba after a freak spill accident. Let's just say he ended up with a stack of Best Buy gift cards shoved down his throat and my fist through his dumpster.

I digress, this shit is too much with the damn Mariachi music next door. And of course now they've started to do this insufferable “Grito” contest. I'm running off of 2 hours of sleep as it is, and I'm supposed to wake up early to meet with Duke and Taffer who seem to be colluding to fuck me in the ass with a scalding tire iron that's fresh out of the oven. How am I supposed to get rest with these unneighborly assholes doing their Grito yells and blasting Puerto Rican Power bullshit all night?

This is why I dream of living on 1,000 acres with an underground bunker planted in the middle of that shit, and drones with laser guided hellfire missiles that patrol the perimeter. Christ I'm getting hard thinking about it. If Duke can knock some sense into this Taffer moron then I'll be able to afford all of that and more with that whiskey money pouring in on the side.

But for now I've had enough of this beaner shit. I sit up and slide into my Crocs. I reach for my Glock, but oh wait, Duke got that shit “confiscated.” What the fuck does that even mean in this country?

That's just what we need right now is a bunch of blue haired, nose ring wearing Taffer, Biden, and Hillary's going around taking people's constitutional rights away.

How am I supposed to face these drunk Mexicans without my baby Sonya strapped to my thigh?

I'll have to resort to primitive, liberal pussy weaponry. Time to dust off of the ol' sniper bow. I grabbed my loaded Ravin bow and kick out my bedroom window. I scope out the first drunk brown dude's asshole I find and pop him right in the left cheek with my first shot. I take cover and hide as he hits the ground like a sack of frozen, shit-filled condoms.

Maybe I didn't think this through because now I'm about to shit-fill these Crocs that I'm wearing. I don't know if I can take out a dozen or more Mexicans by myself with my bow, ol' Kitana.

But wait a minute, I peek over the windowsill and all is well because somehow my shot has turned these drunk assholes against each other! None of them are paying any attention to the direction that it came from. Oh shit! Fists are flying now and the guy I shot just pulled out his gold plated Beretta, waving it at some other Mexican dude.

Shots fired!

Oh Christ, what the fuck and what a relief.

I kick off my Crocs and lay back down to the relaxing sounds of gunfire and the bloodcurdling screams of latina girlfriends being viciously sodomized and executed. At some points the cops even show up and call for back up which causes me to curl up real close with my tempurpedic pillow with a grin on my face.

Hours later I get a phone call as expected from Duke. He sounds pretty relieved, as am I with the beautiful amount of sleep I got from the sound of law enforcement murdering those minorities.

(Duke)

Duke: “Maddy, I know I fucked up the other day man but I have good news. Taffer is starting to lean towards our whiskey brand despite your childish threats... You convinced him during the meeting and he saw your handy work you did on my face...”

Maddy: “And my Hotmail account?”

Duke: “Glad you asked. Me and Taffer are working diligently on getting that shit rectified. We're in serious talks with Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Chad Kroeger, and the Hotmail staff on clearing your name and having it restored to pristine condition.”

Maddy: “And that shit fest snow job match?”

Duke: “Ok yeah, I couldn't get you out of that shit, dog. I think you're stuck with it.”

Maddy: “You fucking asshole. Like, what the fuck is that match, even? Please explain it to me, you match signing genius. How I'm supposed to deal with with being locked in a cooler with two fucking freaks who want to rip my clothes off and spit roast me?”

Duke: “No, I don't think it's like that Maddy. It's just a big ass cooler and you fight these two dudes...”

Maddy: “Okay? You know I don't have the proper ring gear for arctic conditions you fucking twat. You couldn't set me up in a regular ass match with one person? ONE PERSON IN A REGULATION RING.”

Duke: “No... I didn't think to do that. Taffer did most of the talking and he made the match sound so cool – no pun intended-- with the way he described it.”

Maddy: “Well this is the problem, Duke. I can't fucking stand cold climates!”

Duke: “Dude, you put in your application that you're from Antarctica...”

Maddy: “Oh, so that means I'm contractually bound into fighting people in a frozen fucking fish pond with my dick tied behind my ass? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH IN ANTARCTICA!”

Duke: “Ok man, calm down... I'm working with Taffer on getting your contract straightened out. It wasn't supposed to go down like this...”

Maddy: “You've done a piss poor job so far.”

Duke: “Ok give me some more time to fix it. Come on, meet with me today in public so we can talk face to face.”

Maddy: “Why the fuck would I come over there when I'm not even in possession of my Glock to shoot you in your fucking asshole?”

Duke: “Because I have a lot of sweet news to fix a lot of these issues we're facing. Come on, I'll bring you a bottle. What will it be this week? Maker's Mark? Strawberry?”

I guess I could blow off some stream with this fat freak. Maybe out of the hundreds of shit ideas he lobs my way there will be one that is worthwhile.

Maddy: “Ok where are we meeting?”

Duke: “YES!!!”

Maddy: “DUKE DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK-”

Duke: “Ok ok... so I'm giving swim lessons at the Y this afternoon and I need you to help me out for a little bit.”

Maddy: “You're what?”

Duke: “I volunteer every year to give free swim lessons at the Y.”

Maddy: “Duke, why the fuck are you... Oh my God please don't tell me this is going where I think it is...”

Duke: “Dude it's for a good cause. The kids over there connect with me so well. Do you think you can bring some Caprisuns?”

Maddy: “This conversation isn't real...”

Duke: “Ok I'll send you the address. Make sure you bring some sunscreen for everyone too.”

Maddy: “Duke... the pool is indoors...”

Duke: “Right but there's still a risk. We gotta take care of the kids.”

Maddy: “I'm going to drown you as soon as I get there Duke. And then... I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT ELSE I'LL DO. HOW THE FUCK HAS NOBODY CUT YOUR BALLS OFF YET?! YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER!”

I show up to the Y a couple of hours later after robbing a Taco Truck and throwing down on some carne asada french fries. I show up wearing a pink thong and walk directly up to the pool where Instructor Duke is in the middle of running drills.

Duke: “Hey Maddy! Dude, you wore my favorite bathing suit!”

I squat next to the pool and proceed to empty my asshole into the pool.

Duke: “MADDY NOOOOO!”

The parents flip their lids. Luckily the children were too occupied with Duke's twisted game to notice what happened. The pool is cleared out within 30 seconds as parents run frantically to save their little shit heads. One of the fathers confronts me but I uppercut him in the dick and clean my dirty ass on his face as he's doubled over.

Duke: “Maddy, bro you just ruined the swimming lesson!”

Maddy: “Sorry I saw you in here and figured it must have been giant fucking toilet for me to relieve myself in! Oh well, I can't stand kids anyway.”

Duke: “Man, I was making progress with little Theodore too...”

Maddy: “STOP. JUST STOP! Tell me why the fuck you brought me out here or I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face next! And trust me, those carne fries fuck with my stomach like no other!”

Duke: “Well first Maddy, I've got great news.”

Maddy: “You got your assisted suicide plan all worked out?”

Duke: “No. Come on man... Anyway, Taffer is back on board with branding booze after you. He's very excited.”

Maddy: “Ok sounds good. What else?”

Duke: “He's dropping the whiskey idea and replacing it with something better. Brace yourself Maddy... He's gonna make your very own sour strawberry vodka! I helped come up with the concept so we decided to name it Maddy & Duke's Sour Strawberry Vodka! What do you think?”

Maddy: “WHAT THE FUCK JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR COCK HOLSTER?!”

Duke: “Sour strawberry vodka man! Later we'll have other sour flavors like peach, watermelon-”

Maddy: “Duke, I might actually fill this pool with shit and drown you in it if you don't start to make sense!”

Duke: “Maddy what's wrong?”

Maddy: “I WANTED MY BRAND OF WHISKEY, NOT SOME FUCKING FEMBOY FLAVORED VODKA, YOU STUPID FUCK!!!”

I finally grab Duke by his neck beard and drag him out of the pool. Not sure why since I should be doing the opposite right now after hearing this news about my image being practically slammed on the face of Grinder WITH THIS BULLSHIT DRINK.

Duke: “Maddy, you're hurting me! DUDE LISTEN! It's already in production and you're set to start collecting your cut of the sales as early as next month!”

Maddy: “Next month?”

Duke: “Yeah dude. Taffer went fast and furiously with running focus groups and he thinks it might be his best selling product yet. He's going to promote it on Bar Rescue every chance he gets! And guess what else? We get all the free bottles of SOUR STRAWWWWWWWBERRY VODKAAA that we want my man!”

I hear “free, best selling, free bottles, and Bar Rescue.” See? I knew Duke would hit us with a few manageable ideas. I might be able to salvage this if I play along and Taffer and his stupid game.

Maddy: “Well, it might be a start...”

Duke: “Yeah! See, I knew you'd come around. And hey, Jon is even considering letting you and me be guest celebrities for an episode or two of Bar Rescue. He wants to rescue a LBGQT+ friendly bar in his next season and wants you, me, and ol' Sour Strawbaby to be present.”

Maddy: “Duke... I'm honestly at a crossroads right now. I'm looking at this sad excuse of alcohol, and I don't know if I want to break this glittery bottle of horse spunk over your head and slit your throat with it, or mine.”

Duke: “Maddy, what's wrong? Come on you have to have some faith in the brand dude. Hey man, I was able to get your Glock back, would that make you happy?”

Maddy: “Wait, you did? You got my precious Sonya back from that bar mutant Taffer?”

Duke: “Yeah man, here she is.”

Maddy: “Duke what is this?”

Duke: “That's yo girl Sonya, bro! Look if you turn it over it has our Sour Strawberry logo. Taffer is the one who decided to add that touch.”

Maddy: “This is not my Sonya.”

Duke: “Sure it is, Maddy. Jon Taffer went out of his way to customize it—my b ad-- HER for you. They had to strip Sonya down to bits and pieces and even slap that bitch around with a hammer a few times to get all the parts to fit inside her.”

Maddy: “My father gave me this Glock. Duke, I had to watch that asshole die in the hospital after some crackhead murdered him while he was doing his job. He gave me Sonya moments before he passed away.”

Duke: “Maddy... I'm sorry...”

Maddy: “No, Duke it's fine. Jon Taffer did this. You're just a fucking idiot. BUT TAFFER KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!”

Duke: “Maddy, what are you gonna do? You're scaring me...”

Maddy: “Is that pink lemon herpes deal finalized? The drink is iron clad?”

Duke: “Yeah man.”

Maddy: “GOOD! BECAUSE TAFFER AIN'T GONNA LIKE ME AFTER I GET DONE RESCUING HIS TEETH WITH MY FIST!”

Duke: “MADDY NO! YOU SAW HOW TIGHT SECURITY WAS AT BAR RESCUE/XWF00 HEADQUARTERS!”

Maddy: “YEAH??? WELL I LIKE IT TO BE FUCKING TIGHT DUKE. So get our team together!”

Duke: “Our team? You and me? I mean I can get some of the twinks from the pediatrician shoot-”

Maddy: “NEVERMIND DUKE! Just get ready to storm Bar Rescue! OK?”

Later that evening we pull up to Bar Rescue Headquarters in our stakeout vehicle. It's Duke's shitty Bronco that's littered with bullet holes from Sonya. I can't stand the fucking smell of wet dog and the uncleaned bottom of a dive bar deep fryer. Duke turns on the built in surveillance system in the center console which should patch us into the inner workings of BR/XWF HQ.

Duke: “I set up surveillance cameras throughout Taffer's office when he wasn't looking.”

Maddy: “Ok good, I like where this is going.”

Duke: “I've also got a recon team going into the reception area. Their names are Dylan and his boyfriend and my son Thaddeus. Both are round 5' 7” and 140 pounds. Clean shaven from head to toe. Uncut, 8 inches. Superman underwear-”

Maddy: “OK DUKE, I'VE GOT IT. LET'S KEEP THIS ROLLING. Jesus fucking Christ...”

Duke: “Ok, ok... As soon as I turn on the surveillance feed on this center console TV screen, we'll have eyes on the situation.”

Maddy: “Got it, sounds amazing. Let's do this shit!”

I rub my hands together, salivating at the thought of being a fly on the wall of Taffer's situation room. Duke taps the screen and we get a live feed.

Duke: “Oh shit....”

As soon as Duke taps the button, the screen beams up, burning my retinas with some anorexic, pale sissy boy taking an ass pounding from a bulked up black dude.

Maddy: “DUKE, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Duke: “I don't know man!!! I tested it just the other day! Shit. I forgot to switch the server over last night... Shit, shit, SHIT!”

Maddy: “Server? What the fuck is that? DUKE TURN THIS SHIT OFF!”

Duke is now frantically tapping the screen with all 9 of his fingers.

Duke: “Ummm, shit? IT WON'T STOP!!!”

Twink in the Porno: “Fuck my sweet little ass, ohh, ohhh OHHHAAAAAHHH!”

Maddy: “DUKE TURN IT OFF!”

Duke: “DUDE I'M TRYING!”

Maddy: “GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT! DUKE!!!”

I pull out Sonya and put half of the gun's clip into the TV monitor on the dash. Little did I know, that wouldn't be enough.

Twink in the Porno: “Fuck me harder, I don't need lube!”

I jump out of my seat like I just saw a bottom boy poltergeist and proceed to empty the rest of the clip into this possessed TV monitor.

Duke: “Sorry man, I don't know what happened.”

Maddy: “So you're telling me we don't have surveillance?”

Duke: “No surveillance. But our recon team is still in there and God knows what is being done to them right now.”

Maddy: “Oh yeah, it would be a shame to lose fucking Thaddeus, wouldn't it? Christ...”

Duke: “I've got a back up plan...”

Maddy: “Thank God because I was about to go in guns blazing, if you can even call this a gun anymore.”

Duke: “It's gonna be tough, Maddy. But I think we can pull it off.”

Maddy: “I wasn't looking forward to a plan B tonight...”

Duke: “Would it help if we consumed some Maddy & Duke Sour Strawberry FUCKING Vodka?”

I peak behind me into the backseat where I spot a pyramid of this gay concept of drank undressing me with it's label.

Maddy: “Fuck it. I'll take a bottle. Do you know how to handle a Ravin sniper crossbow?”

Duke: “Dude, you're gonna let me use Kitana?!”

Maddy: “Duke calm the fuck down, first of all. This isn't one of your living sex dolls. And yes, I'm gonna go in first with Sonya and you'll be taking up the rear with Kitana. I'm a little hesitant because you don't have any experience handling her.”

Duke: “Yeah I do, I sneak into your place every-”

Maddy: “Wait, what?!”

Duke: “I mean... Yeah, you're right I have no experience with this kind of weapon. Teach me!”

Maddy: “Just get out of the fucking car, Jesus Christ...”