XWF∞

Scene 1

A Dick for a Duke

Our sermon continues in part two with all members of The Prophecy; otherwise known as GOD!s gift to the XWF,  riding down a high-class luxury neighborhood with the car stereo blaring some terrible ‘slit my wrists and cry myself to sleep’ song on full blast.  For all you fuckwits out there who are living under a pebble  -- underneath a rock -- underneath a stone -- underneath a boulder for the past century or so…  That’s Peter Gilmour, The PROPHET!, and Peter’s sexy demon assassin Valerie Sky .  The car is one of Peter’s brand new red convertibles looking shiny, slick, and sexy as ever and it keeps circling around two houses strangely labeled as if they wanted to be noticed on giant billboards with red paint.  

The two houses right next to each other are labeled ‘The Extravagant Epstein Mansion’ and the other is labeled ‘Neverland Ranch’.  The two men are seen riding in the front seat and Peter’s sexy demon assassin Valerie Skye in the back seat where GOD! Intended her to be.  Well, she’s not servicing Peter’s super dick at the moment like a woman was meant to do, but my guess is by the tunes playing over the radio that  it’s practically impossible for anyone to pop a woody if you’re not looking for another full chub shoved in between your cheeks in return.  Peter is driving his own car with his hair slicked back and his right arm slung over the seat lookin’ like a complete badass as per usual.  The purveyor of purpose is sitting across from him in the passenger seat and he begins to speak to Peter in an encouraging manager.

PROPHET!:  “Come on Peter, let me hear your Croaton call!”

Peter Gilmour:  “NO!  Fuck that!  I just did that shit five minutes ago!”

PROPHET!:  “There’s only one way to attract that queen of queefs, and that’s with the Croaton call!”

Peter Gilmour:  “Tell Croaton he can SUUUUUUUCK MY DICK!!!!”

PROPHET!:  “One more time Peter, and then will hit the drive thru and get Valerie some chicken tendies and then I can eat her cherry pie!”

Peter Gilmour:  “What the fuck did you just say?”

PROPHET!:  “I said we can get her some cherry pie?”

Peter Gilmour:  “Sounded like you wanted to take a crack at my woman’s crack?”

The preacher puts up his fist looking for a bump in return from the Xtreme Icon.

PROPHET!:  “Bros before hoes, dawg.”

Peter looks back at his demon assassin in the back seat to make sure he can give his homie a fist without her noticing.  Women will never understand the true nature of the bro code.  They bump fists and then give the DX suck it to chop and then flip each other off, some kind of secret Prophecy handshake we can only assume.  

She cuts a nasty fart that radiates off the back seat leather like a flapping bird that just got shot out of the sky.  The King of Xtreme rolls down the window and starts wafting the air above his nose trying to shove it out the window.  He looks over at his stable mate who is nodding at him relentlessly probably at the insistence of one last Croaton Call before they give up and head back to their super-secret Prophecy lair.

Peter Gilmour:  “Fine!  But this is the last time and then can we turn this fucking femboy shit off the radio?!”  

PROPHET!:  ”That’s the spirit, bub!  It’s only to attract the little bitch boy like an elk horn.”

Peter leans back and fills his lungs completely with air before letting out the loudest and longest Croaton Call ever in RP (recorded promo) history!

Peter Gilmour: “CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOATON!”

The silence is deafening after his deep bellow out in the open air reverberates off of everything and bounces back giving almost an echo that sends the world in slow motion as everything in the general vicinity of the car reacts to the loud and strange sound.  As if the world was put on pause for a brief period of time.  Peter draws his eyes off the road and turns to give his full attention to The PROPHET!

Peter Gilmour:  “There, are you fuckin’ satisfied he’s not coming now?”

PROPHET!:  “Yeah, we certainly gave it our best effort, I think it’s safe to assume he’s hiding like the little pussy that he is.”

As Peter starts to turn his eyes back on the road a giant makeup painted lookin’ mother fucker is standing right in the middle of the road looking like some sad clown in a picture on the wall while sitting in your dentist's chair.  Peter smashes him going about 30 mph as the freaky looking fruitcake goes flying over the top of his convertible and then lands behind them with an enormous (THUNK) as if his head hit the pavement on the ground behind them.  

PROPHET!:  Holy shit, you hit him Peter!”

Peter Gilmour:  “What the fuck was that idiot doing in the middle of the road!?  I swear to SATAN! If that mother fucker put a dent in my brand new car I’m going to give him the most viscous Gilly cutter in history!”

Both men exit the red convertible and look behind the car to see what Peter hit that was standing out in the middle of the road like a deer caught in headlights.  

It’s none other than Thaddeus Duke himself!  The son of Sebastian Duke that just was involved with Maddy investigating Jon Taffer’s office.  

Peter Gilmour:  “What the fuck Thaddeus!  Get out of the middle of the road dip shit!”

The ladies man says as he begins inspecting his convertible for any dents or broken windows.  Valerie begins squealing loudly in immense pain as if she had been struck by lightning or something.

Peter Gilmour:  “Shut the fuck up babe, I’m busy!”

Peter says as he pulls a magnifying glass out of the glove compartment and begins inspecting the front of the car where Thaddues struck his red baby.  He notices a small dent on the front and immediately runs over towards Duke was on the ground crying at this point and kicks him directly in the ribs.  The worthless clown lets out a massive sigh and moans like a little teenage girl who just got told she can’t have a new Iphone.  

PROPHET!:  “Take it easy Peter, we still need him to help us.”

Peter Gilmour:  “What the hell for?  This guy is more useless and unnecessary than having RL Edgar in your stable!”

PROPHET!:  “You shall see, my Xtreme friend, you shall see.  Now, tie him up and throw his ass in the trunk.”

Peter Gilmour:  “But isn’t that kidnapping?”

PROPHET!:  “Kidnapping is like stealing candy from a baby compared to what this sick fuck has done to kids.  That goes for both candy AND babies!”

Peter nods and then ties Thaddeus up and locks him in the trunk in the back seat.  Before he can wrap the rope around his mouth Thaddeus has but one request.

Thaddeus Duke:  “Please I’m starving and my blood sugar is low.  I’m a diabetic and…”

PROPHET!:  “Damnit Duke, is there anything about you that ISN’T a complete and utter failure?”

Thaddeus Duke:  “If I could maybe just have a TWINKIE or something to bring up my blood sugar, then maybe….”

PROPHET!:  “Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t you….  Peter, put that bag over his head and let’s get moving.  It’s getting late and we don’t have much time before your dad goes to bed.”

Peter shoves Duke into the trunk and they both get into the car where Valerie Sky is screaming at Peter at the top of her lungs about being hurt.  He simply kisses her passionately and she immediately quits her belly aching and tries to reach in his pants.  Peter pats her hand away, they’ve got work to do!  He starts driving away from the scene when another idiot is run over in the middle of the road.

Peter Gilmour:  “God Damnit!  Who the fuck is it this time!”

From the hit TV series ‘The Profit’ the young entrepreneur known as Marcus Lemonis walks up to the side of the vehicle looking battered and bruised after he just got hit by Peter’s car.

Peter Gilmour:  “Who the fuck are you?”

Marcus Lemonis:  “I heard the XWF was hiring reality TV stars and your boss SHain kept calling on me in his last promo.."

 . “

PROPHET!:  “What the hell would we need you for?  We’ve got Jon Taffer!  I’m the only PROPHET!  Around here asshole, despite whatever that idiot SHain said in his most recent promo.  Peter, hit the gas and let’s blow away from this bozo!”

Peter presses his foot down on the gas pedal as hard as he can and runs over the second rate reality TV stars foot as the car speeds over the distance.  

Scene 2 

The ‘Superior’ Super Dick

Our next part of today’s sermon opens up with Peter Gilmour carrying Thaddeus Duke in a gunny sack over his shoulders with The PROPHET!  And Peter walking up towards a perfect little house with a white picket fence as a small trail of blood and piss leaks out the bottom of the sack.  Peter rings the doorbell and out steps his mother.  A beautiful old woman with a heart of gold and a smile the size of a complete half circle around her face.  Looking completely innocent and loving as ever as she playfully laughs waving the two men inside hardly noticing the struggling man in the sack .  She greets Peter with a giant hug before noticing the sack is moving and struggling behind him.

MaMa Gilmour:  “Is there something in that sack?”

PROPHET!:  “It’s nothing MaMa Gilly, just an old cow that the XWF should have put out to pasture a long time ago that we’re going to euthanize out back.  I was wondering, by the way if I must inquire?  If you’re still alive then how the hell is your old head on top of some deranged scat fiend?”

MaMa Gilmour:  “You’re silly, come inside and join me for some chocolate chip cookies.”

The virtuous old woman states laughing off the question almost completely as if it is both silly but also that she was trying to avoid answering it at the same time.

Peter Gilmour:  “We don’t have time for that right now mom.  Where is Dad?”

After some major struggling in the sack he was holding a muffled voice comes from out of the sack.  

Thaddeus:  “I’ll take some cookies!  Are they from the girl scouts?.”

Peter kicks the sack as hard as he can and the voice shuts up immediately.

MaMa Gilmour:  “Why, he’s in the other room my dear boy.”

Both Peter and The PROPHET! Make their way into the living room and see Peter’s dad spread out on a king size bed with his ‘superior’ super dick flopping out the side of his boxer shorts.  Twice the size of Peter’s since it is from within those loins that created Peter in the first place.

PROPHET!:  “Quick Peter, let Thaddeus Duke out of the sack so he can do his job!”

Peter Gilmour:  “Wait a minute, what the hell exactly is his job?”

PROPHET!:  “Just let him out now!”

 (Thaddeus)

Peter dumps the sack on the ground and Thaddeus scrambles to his feet and tries to escape by running out of the living room, but is instead caught by a massive back hand by The PROPHET!  He then hands Thaddeus a knife, and it is in fact the same knife he used to cut off some whore’s titty when a Gaye Rhino tried to pin him and take away his Frenzy championship belt!  

PROPHET!:  “Now Thaddeus, cut off his dick so we can get the fuck out of here!”   

Peter Gilmour:  “WHAT!  FUCK NO!”

PROPHET!:  “Remember Gilly, we need the Dick Of Gilmour’s Father (DOGF) to shut up HOGM for good, remember!?  That’s why we went and found this scumbag piece of shit because he’s got experience removing his own dick and balls!!”

Peter Gilmour:  “No way, N-O are we going to do that!  Let’s just let Thaddeus go back to the Maddy promos, and let’s just take my dad with me to Frenzy this week.  There’s no point in actually removing DOGF and hurting him.”

PROPHET!:  “But I thought you said he was an abusive piece of shit that should have died from cancer years ago.”

Peter Gilmour:  “That doesn’t mean we have to cut his fucking dick off!”

PROPHET!:  “Fine, have it your way Peter, let’s get him out of here.”

The PROPHET! Throws Thaddeus Duke out of the living room window like he were a meaningless sack of shit filled condoms and the two members of The Prophecy grab Peter’s dad and bring him out to the car.  When he gets in the back seat with Valerie Sky he gives her a little wink as he notices her glaring at his bulge in his pants.  She looks away quickly as she knows she’s been caught and the car takes off over the hill and disappears over the horizon.  

Scene 3

Gaye Rhino likes to gab and SHain has gone beyond insane

The PROPHET!

“After watching both SHain and Reno’s most recent promos I was surprised to find that when SHain first came out he had to mention that it might be a little bit difficult to understand him, but to just roll with it….  What I was really surprised to find out is why Gaye Rhino didn’t do the same thing, because the more I care to think about it whatever it was SHain was trying to say it was far easier to follow along in the story then whatever Dr. Seuss nursery rhyme convoluted bullshit that Gaye Rhino was trying to convey before us all.  Is it really necessary to rhyme literally everything in some kind of spooky sad little emo kid soliloquy trying to recite some kind of Edgar Allan Poe poems in his eighth grade english class?  Yeah, that’s really ‘wicked’ and ‘inhumane’ of you Bill Shakespeare!  Why does this guy have to try and unwrap and delve deeply into every sentence he speaks like he’s trying to talk himself out of a circle of his own bullshit everytime he opens his mouth.  It’s kind of like shitting on the floor and then eating said shit and throwing it up, and then eating that same vomit and choking it down in hopes of what you just dropped out of your asshole can make as much sense as when you try to spew it out of your own mouth.  

Speaking of eating shit.  What about SHain and the turd sandwich of a promo he just came out here and cut a couple days ago?  Two pieces of bread in the beginning and the end of anything that resembled logical sense in the promo and just a scatterbrain of scat shit smack dab in the middle.  I mean, am I battling against an actual wrestler or someone who’s lost themselves in a sexual deviants world of scat porn on some kind of reddit website?  What the fuck is this guy talking about?  Promo limits and top ten websites and advertising?  He told us to just ‘roll’ with it, but what he should have done is kick that fat ugly wench’s head off his shoulders and let it roll out the door because the only thing coming off the top of his mind is complete nonsense!  While everyone else is on reddit trying to fuck over the hedge fund managers and make tons of money on the stock market, this shit for brains is busy searching for the best color of tarps in Germany for some reason or another.  Whenever these two idiots decide they want to quit trying to trick a bunch of liberal hippie emos into sleeping with him, and their german gay piss porn, let me know when I have to actually show up and have anything really to say about the two of them!”

-- Edited by THE PROPHET on Friday 29th of January 2021 12:17:43 AM

-- Edited by THE PROPHET on Friday 29th of January 2021 12:22:36 AM

-- Edited by THE PROPHET on Friday 29th of January 2021 12:24:06 AM

-- Edited by THE PROPHET on Friday 29th of January 2021 12:30:41 AM