XWF∞

 “And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

- Revelation 21:5

“This world is mine….”

The devil said as he was stroking his horns and massassing a miniature ball in his hands with the painting of the planet earth on its circumference.  His long and meticulously groomed claws poke and prod at the surface causing minor scratches on the balls surface.  A slow stream of blood begins to trickle from the tiny indentations he was creating with the tips of his sharp and wicked looking fingertips.  A smile spreads across his face, stretching from the corner of each side of his mouth.  

He turns and tosses the earth on a blank white canvas behind his head and it splatters a giant red splotch of blood that slams against the wall painted completely in white.  He reaches behind his head fastidiously and pulls from behind his own shadow of his head another planet from seemingly out of nowhere but the back of his ear, almost like a magician pulling the mysterious quarter out from behind your ear.  

“And this world is mine…..”

His other hand reaches itself up into the spectrum of vision, and it reveals his left hand to be a  cloven hoof that holds the planet now spinning on its axis like a top, dancing like a ballerina on top of his cloven hoof platform stage.   As it begins to slow down, we find it to be a representation of the planet or Arda.  He chucks the planet against the blank white canvas, leaving another giant splotch of blood trickling down the wall and splattering over the white canvas now with two large splotches of trickling blood slowly fading down on the canvas that never seems to end as the blood keeps trickling downward forever.

Once again, he reaches behind the shadow of his head and reaches deep in his mind  His hand wandering and flowing deeper and deeper inside his head as if scooping and scraping the bottom to try and get the last bit of scum off the bottom of his brain.  Another planet, this time dramatically smaller than the rest stops spinning in his clawed hand and with a large microscope placed up to the camera we zoom in to see that the planet is labeled XWF on it.  

The devil opens his mouth and  leans back his head and holds the tiny planet over his outstretched mouth by a pair of nails as if he were picking up a cockroach with a pair of tweezers.  A slithering tongue weaving back and forth like a snake in the grass, meanders it’s way up to his fingertips and latches onto the XWF planet being held between his sharp finger tips.  Like a small snail, his tongue slides it’s slimy grasp glissading around it until it has completely enveloped the girth of the tiny planet whole. 

Then, just as a snake striking to bite its prey, his tongue snaps back into his mouth and he swallows the entire small planet whole and hardly swallows anything at all as it dissipates into his gullet even more quickly than a breath of air would travel down his throat.  He belches and a bit of flame emancipates from out of his mouth like a dragon breathing fire.  

“Should have known that would give me heartburn!”

He pulls a bottle of Tums from out of his ass and dumps the entire thing in his mouth and starts chewing the calcium treat viciously and swallowing it whole in one giant gulp.  The demon  then lifts his arm up high in the air, so that now he can reach even deeper and darker into the demonic recesses of his mind with the sharpest tip of his clawed fingertip.  He shoves it down inside his real head.  

This time not just the shadow, but is actually tearing open the top of his head and reaching right into his skull and pulling out his brain.  After tugging and yanking his arm back and forth, he was digging the claws into his own brain like Freddy Krueger scratching at some pipes.  To a stunning reveal when he finally is able to pull parts of his own skull apart on the top of his head, he holds out his brain high up in the air.  

Somehow, his body is still operating in motor skills even though the brain has been disconnected.  High up in the air as the reflection of the sun glows his treasured gift he went to such desperate measures to obtain.  He extraordinarily reveals that his brain is actually nothing but a giant copy of the Dr. Suess book ‘The Cat in The Hat?’  WTF??  His mouth is still talking without a brain that had been ejected through his own skull at the top of his head, and it screams at the top of his lungs as he tosses the children’s book against the wall.  Surprisingly, it too splashes in a giant splotch of blood against his now beautiful bloody canvas covered in a giant bloody mess that would make Bob Ross fucking proud.  

“BLATANT RACIST DRIVEL!”

Unknown Soldier:  “FUCKING NIGGERS!!!”

Unknown Soldier shouts as we see him locked inside a straight jacket and a group of white guys are attempting to strap him to a table in his recent fit of rage.  The group holding him down consists of a conglomeration of big sturdy looking guys dressed in gas masks, medical gloves, and Hazmat suits.  It looks like he’s fighting through another fit of crystal methamphetamine withdrawal and it takes damn near six people to subdue him and his superhuman strength he seems to have to try and obtain his special drug of choice.  Anyone who’s fought through meth withdrawal would easily know that you can’t really hold people responsible for the things they say and do when they’re fighting something as severe as meth withdrawals.  I mean, that’s like blaming someone with tourettes syndrome for their disease.  

The last we saw the demon dicked defiler, was when he was galavanting around in the Brotherhood of Baddies imagination in some rehab facility somewhere in the dark recesses of what can only be constructed as Soldier’s own personal hell.  A drug rehab facility that would force him to quit his prophetic drug habit.  He’s covered in head to foot with oil and dirt as if he had been swimming down at the oil fields and bathing in the sun of the desert sand.  After the rehab specialist straps him down to the hospital bed, they push him down a hallway into a room that is labeled as the shower decontamination area.  

They strap a pair of work goggles around Soldier’s face that covers his eyes and they open a door and chuck the entire hospital bed into a long horizontal metal tube that has windows so all of the rehab facility folks can look inside and see Soldier strapped to a medical table in a straight jacket with work goggles on.  His eyes are bloodshot red and he’s covered in goosebumps and shaking and sweating profusely.  Trapped in a room that looks as if it used to quarantine an individual.  The bed begins to travel down the horizontal tube and like a car wash he is slowly moving through the tube and being scrubbed clean.  Hoses blasting water in his face and brushes scrubbing the oil and dirt off his skin bringing back his normal complexion of a pale and skinny bright white caucasion Norweigian anorexic homeless looking bum.  

As he’s traveling down the tube, the pack of rehab facility workers follow along closely, ensuring that he doesn’t break free of his straps as he’s fighting this entire process profusely and yanking and tearing at his straight jacket like a fucking mad man.  Screaming more obscenities and viscous rhetoric we wouldn’t want anyone with sensitive ears and a small sense of humor to have to endure any further.  As the assembly line like tube pushing Soldier along is beginning to come to an end, a final rinsing process begins by a robot hand looking device reaching down to open Soldier’s mouth and shove an entire bar of soap down his throat, forcing him to chew and swallow it whole.  It then sprays the tiniest amount of water down his throat as if almost playing a joke on him as that small amount of water certainly can’t help him swallow the talc soap bar.  He begins to choke insistently as he struggles to swallow the entire bar of soap with the small amount of water provided to him.  

Luckily the decontamination assembly cleaning line ends and the hospital bed he was strapped to shoots itself out of the metal tube and an array of fans set on high begin drying Soldier; but most importantly when he leaves the metal tube the pack of rehab zealots rush to assist him and pound on his back causing him to cough up the bar of soap.  The meth withdrawal must really be getting to him as he begins flailing about aimlessly like a freakazoid tearing the straps apart and screaming in the air, but at least he’s squeaky clean and no longer covered in oil and dirt.

Unknown Soldier:  “FUCKING [CENSORED]!”

He screams into the air like a frenzied freak as the pack of rehab workers begin pummeling him across his head with billy clubs until he is eventually knocked unconscious and then the group of rehab specialists in gas masks, gloves, and Hazmat suits wheel him down another hallway and out of view.  The camera then begins fading backwards further and further and faster and faster until the tiny tube that was our scene is almost vanished.  Suddenly, a new scene envelopes as the camera transmorphers the previous screenshot stretching into a new scene around us.  

In this new scene SHain KarvHOGMblo is sitting next to another one of these rehab specialist looking guys decked out in full Hazmat gear and is taking notes on a clipboard as SHain stares through his own metal tube with windows within the smaller metal tube with windows and observes the Unknown Soldier situation.  A world observed through the eyes of a larger creation it may seem, sort of like that weird witch-like villain woman in those Mighty Morphin Power Rangers television series shows staring through her portal and planning her evil schemes on the world.   

SHain:  “Operation Observation Squared is going exactly as planned and he seems to be leading these Brotherhood of Baddies right into our little trap, Super Scatbear!”

The rehab facility worker that was standing next to SHain removes his gas mask and reveals that he is, indeed, the one and only ‘Super’ Scatbear.  Get fucking woke if you don’t know who he is by nowt!

Super ScatBear:  “Just like that Gilly distraction we just sent out.”

HOGM cackles and hisses steam from her nostrils as SHain laughs maniacally as fuck.

SHain:  “Yeah, it’s pretty pathetic if you think about it actually.  Those sad excuses for social media sadiomasochist superiority fuck heads will one way or another find a way to follow him around!  He’s still the center of attention as ALL of them responded so quickly to his random comment in the former wrestling federation he’s banished from.  I’m pretty sure that’s the literal definition of a fucking God, Super ScatBear!  When everyone is more concerned about an existential force that they pretend doesn’t exist but then they ALL acknowledge his very existence in some hypocritical nonsensical load of horse shit that not even they can explain!  Can you ignore Peter Gilmour?  Come on, you banished him!?  But can you let him go!?!?  Go on, let’s see it…  @XWF1999!!!  We’re waiting….. WE’RE FUCKING WAITING!!!”

HOGM screeches like a steam whistle cracking the sound wave barrier and shattering a bunch of glass and windows in the near vicinity of the tube like room.  

Super Scatbear:  “There’s another issue, SHain which we can’t ignore.  Soldier has Covid-Culture -19.”

SHain:  “What the fuck is that?”

Super Scatbear:  “It means that he’s been cooped up so long under quarantine and held under such strict censorship laws recently that he’s going to make a lot of offensive jokes and still use humor that would have been hilarious five years ago, but is now suddenly considered incredibly offensive.  Theoretically speaking, he’s completely oblivious to cancel culture.”

SHain:  “Holy shit, we can’t let him cut a promo!  The SJW soldiers will send screenshots to Reddit faster than you can say Nate Higgers and then will get shut down by the snowflake police!”

Super ScatBear:  “He already did one, sir!”

The greatest owner in the history of the XWF responds in a very sinister and sincere tone of voice.

SHain:  “When?”

Super ScatBear:  “Right now, sir, he’s filming one live and we’re right in the middle of it.  The camera is right above your head!”

SHain  stares deeply behind him until he realizes where the hidden camera is located, he then turns around and smashes the camera off the wall and it falls to the ground, but it stays on and is still recording everything in the room.  Before SHain can make sure it is destroyed, the doors to the room fly open and the boisterous bellow from none other than Jon Taffer begins to fill the room.

Jon Taffer:  “Did you take care of this overtly offensive little shit stain I told you about, SHain?  The one who was dunking his balls inside Maddy’s mouth!  

SHain:  “I just finished dealing with him now, actually Mr. Taffer, he shouldn’t be a problem any further!”

Jon Taffer:  “Good, because you can’t let your circus clowns push around the ring leader, if you catch my drift Mrs. HOGM!”

Super ScatBear:  “Let’s get back to discussing the more important….”

Jon Taffer:  “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT EXISTING IN MY PRESENCE!”

Taffer has obviously gone off the deep end again by simply witnessing Super Scatbear in his presence.  

Super Scatbear:  “Alright!  I’m gone!”

Seems easier to just go along with Taffer’s request rather than to argue with him at this point because even if you’re right he’ll just scream at you until you think you’re wrong; therefore, Super Scatbear just leaves the room without a fight.

Jon Taffer:  “Now that we’re alone we need to come to a realization here that we need to change the…..”

SHain:  “Hold on Mr. Taffer, I think they're all still listening!”

SHain’s foot comes down on top of the camera lying on the floor and shatters it completely to pieces ending the scene in a static mess that eventually fades into complete nothingness.

The super SATAN!  worshipping little sidekick known as Unknown Soldier pulls himself up from the ground which was a conglomeration of fluffy cumulonimbus clouds.  He awakens grasping his head in pain as he rises to the vision of a giant gate with a long row of fencing glowing bright as the sun on the horizon behind him

Unknown Soldier:  “Where the hell am I?”

A very direct and derivative response fills the audio of everything in the surrounding area as it were speaking from every angle out of everywhere at the same time.  

god:  “Actually, it’s where the hell you ain’t!  You’ve died and went to heaven, Unknown Soldier!  You’re standing at the gates!  I am god  and I  guess SATAN!  sent you here as some kind of ironic joke because this is exactly the 666th time you’ve died now.”

Unknown Soldier:  “Well get me the fuck out of here, it’s all bright and shit and I’m hungover as hell!”  

god:   “I wish it was that easy, but unfortunately I have to give you some sort of self righteous life lesson or some shit like that before I think you can go back”

Unknown Soldier:  “Really, that sounds pretty fuckin’ gay dude.”

god:  “I know, but it’s the only way so just hear me out ok, I don’t want you here either you’re scaring off all the sexy angel snatch around here and I need to pound me some tight little halo later on tonight if you know what I mean.”

Unknown Soldier:  “That sounds even more gay, dude!”

god:  “Do you want to leave here or not?”

Unknown Soldier:  “Alright, go ahead…”

God:  “If you build it, they will come….”

The demon dicked defiler looks incredibly confused.

Unknown Soldier:  “uh, what?”

God:  “If you build it, they will come!”

Soldier looks disheveled and upset.

Unknown Soldier:  “That’s my fucking words of advice?  A cliche’ Kevin Costner movie ripoff quote!”

god:  “The XWF is dead, Soldier!  Engy is literally and figuratively kissing his career goodbye by bending the knee to Thaddeus and Doc is letting the Duke’s boss him around in his promos like he’s the Shaggy of the group flying around in their Illuminatus Mystery Machine.  You’re too good for that place, Soldier.  You always have been, so now it’s time to move on and build a new legacy for yourself.”

Unknown Soldier:  “I just want to smoke meth and masturbate, I don’t give a shit about any of this!”

god:  “If you build it, they will come!”

Suddenly Unknown Soldier is shocked by a defibrillator and brought back to life strapped down in his hospital bed by the rehab specialists.  They continue pushing him round and round in an endless circle around the rehab center not really going anywhere but in circles over and over again in a hurry as the camera pans in closer and closer on the sinister smile on Soldier’s face until it dissipates into a black ball of darkness.