XWF∞

How's this for your intro:  I'm sick as a dog.  Been shitting myself out of both ends and then some.  Luckily I'm not alone in this battle against whatever mysterious shit sickness this is...  I've got my HOGM of the Table taking good care of me and nursing me back to health!

HOGM is in the kitchen making me some soup while I rest in bed with an ice pack plugging up my open neck hole where a head should be.

Now I know what you're thinking...  how the fuck is this shit head narrating this RP (Radical Promo) without a head?  Well it's simple...  WITH MY DICK!  (no really, not joking here)

HOGM floats into the bedroom to ask me if I need any hot tea or warm milk along with my soup.  I tell her of course I do, what does she think this is, Nazi Germany?

She floats back into the kitchen and I take a deep ass breath which makes a lot of extra blood and other random shit start bubbling and gurgling up at the ol' neck hole.  I hear a knock at the door but I don't move.  HOGM must be too busy to answer the door.  What do I do?  Shit. 

HOGM floats into the bedroom and sees that I have, indeed, taken a shit.  She claps her teeth and hisses, knowing damn well she's going to be the one stuck cleaning it up.  I ask her who was at the door and she says she doesn't know because she's not the fucking door man.  I'm like, ooookay.... and I change the subject.   I ask her how her rose garden is coming along.  She tells me the roses are coming in splendidly and in no time at all she's in good spirits again, talking about her garden and her bees.  Yes, her bees.  HOGM is a bee keeper!  This is going to come into play sometime in the future for sure, so don't forget!

So here we are, just me and my HOGM of the Table, chatting it up and having some drinks.  Next thing I know I'm getting texted like crazy!  Who the fuck's blowing up my phone?  Or is it HOGM's phone?  I guess details like that haven't been discussed yet.  Anyway the texts are from Liz Weinberg and she's PISSED!  Apparently it was her at the door!  And since nobody answered now she thinks there's something going on between HOGM and me!  Dammit!

HOGM cackles.  She likes it.  I think she's turned on by all this drama!  She floats away and leaves me as I try replying to these texts from Liz but guess what?  It's not exactly easy to respond to text messages WITHOUT AN F'N HEAD!  I sure as hell hope HOGM hurries up!

HOGM floats back into the room with a cup of soup, a glass of orange juice, a cup of tea, a glass of warm scat, some vodka, a bucket of ice, a bottle of real Canadian maple syrup, a jar of raw linden honey, a mop, several tarps, and some grapefruit seed extract.  Naturally I ask her why I don't see any Urtica Urens 30c, and she gets pissy with me!  What the fuck!  Just answer the question!  Spoiler alert... she never answers.  I'm left wondering why there isn't any Urtica Urens 30c in my treatment tonight and I'm furious about it.  In fact, there's a chance I'm not showing up for that lousy ass match I'm booked in!  I'll just send HOGM all by herself!  HA!

Even though I'm not speaking all this shit, HOGM still knows my feelings because of our special connection.  She's getting more and more pissed by the second here!  She starts freaking out and telling me if I don't show up for the match with her, she'll bite my huge juicy cock off! 

*Clack clack* is the sound and it's whack Jack.  She's chomping those teeth and it's clack clack.  I better not risk taking a sac attack.  Clack clack is the clack and it's clack-a-lack.

I make my decision.  I'm showing up.  Not only that, but I'm going to hack Reno and The PROFIT! into FFFFFUCKING pieces!  I'm not coming for a match.  I'm coming for some new parts.  Who wants to be my new f'n HEAD?!?

HOGM gets all offended at that point, as if I'd actually give her up.  Oh come on, HOGM.  You know better than that!